01. What does identity have to do with intimacy and sex?

Image description: A diagram of the Threefold Theory of Identity. The outer layer of the circle has 4 pieces labeled “competence”, “security”, “self-identity”, and “belonging”, in shades of purple. The intermediate layer is divided into two parts labeled “self-image” and “self-concept”. The innermost piece of the circle is the “authentic self” in orange. The layers are labeled to the right of the diagram describing each aspect.

At the level of judgment, two factors feed each other. A person’s self-image is the ideas and perceptions a person has about their abilities, personality, and appearance. A person’s self-concept incorporates the responses of others with their self-image (Livneh & Antonak, 2018).

The innermost level is our authentic self, which is based on a commitment to a person’s core values and their acceptance of what is.

Our overall identity, then, is the amalgamation of our values, qualities of character, perceptions of ourselves, our abilities, and our place in the world, as well as others' perceptions of us. It stands to reason that if we feel strong in our sense of who we are and our connectedness with the world around us, we feel a greater sense of worthiness, and generally, our intimate relationships will thrive as a result. If, however, we feel less strong in our sense of self or don’t feel as if we belong, our sense of worthiness is typically weaker and we feel challenged in forming intimate relationships or our intimate relationships tend to struggle.

Disability

As people with disabilities, we can choose to identify with the disability identity (Kaufman et al., 2003). The experience of being congenitally disabled, disabled from childhood or adolescence, or having acquired a disability later in life can also impact how a person decides to—or not to—identify as a disabled person. For example, a person who acquired a disability later in their life may find accepting the disability identity more challenging as they might experience a “split” in themselves—between their body and what they’ve lost (e.g., the ability to participate in a hobby the way they enjoyed), whereas someone who grew up with a disability may not experience this “split” as they may not have experienced those losses in the same way or experienced them at all. However, they both may choose to identify as disabled people because this identity provides them with a sense of self and belonging (Rembis, 2018). In relation to TTI, this can be viewed as a lens changing the hue of the identity wheel.

Sexuality

Identities related to sexuality can also impact one’s self-image, self-esteem, and desirability. Sexuality refers to the multidimensional and dynamic characteristics of ourselves that encapsulate our sexual orientation, identities, gender roles, expression, and more (Ellis & Uncgo, 2023).

Click the (+) buttons to the right of the titles below to expand on Gender Identity and Sexual Orientation.

Sakellariou (2006) proposes that disability can be viewed as the agent by which a person learns about and explores their sexuality through a fluid perspective. Tremain (2000) adds that by providing such a space for disabled queerism, we can begin to dismantle the heteronormative gender role and stereotypes that can become barriers to fulfilling intimate and sexual relationships (Tremain, 2000).

So…what do these personal contexts and factors have to do with desire?

Image description: A brain map depicting the aspects of sexuality including sex, gender roles, gender identities, pleasure, eroticism, reproduction, intimacy, and sexual orientation. Sexuality also includes the self and self expression.

More to come on “How identity influences desire”.

References

• Bartel, J. (2022, December 30). A guide to 25 different types of sexualities. Retrieved August 29, 2023, https://www.choosingtherapy.com/types-of-sexuality/

• Kaufman, M., Silverberg, C., & Odette, F. (2003). The ultimate guide to sex and disability: For all of us who live with disabilities, chronic pain & illness. Cleis Press.

• Livneh, H. & Antonak, R. (2018). Psychological adaptation to chronic illness and disability: A primer for counselors. In I. Marini & M. A. Stebnicki (Eds.). The psychosocial impact of illness and disability (7th ed., pp. 77-90). Springer Publishing Company, LLC.

• Maslow, A. H. (1943). A theory of human motivation. Psychological Review, 50(4) 370-396. https://doi.org/10.1037/h0054346

• Rembis, M. A. (2018). Beyond the binary: Rethinking the social model of disabled sexuality. In I. Marini & M. A. Stebnicki (Eds.). The psychosocial impact of illness and disability (7th ed., pp. 141-150). Springer Publishing Company, LLC.

• Teen Talk. (n.d.). Gender identity. Retrieved August 29, 2023, https://teentalk.ca/learn-about/gender-identity

• Tremain, S. (2000). Queering disabled sexuality studies. Sexuality and Disability, 18(4), 291-299.